I am a procrastinator. But not always. Well, mostly.
I procrastinated when I was a child. I procrastinated in college. I procrastinate still. But not always. Just, mostly.
I have actually spent the last two weeks berating myself and my apparent inability to tackle things. And these things can be anything - cleaning, finishing a spreadsheet, beginning a painting, going to bed. You name it, I can delay it.
But this morning I had a battle of selves - one that began the procrastinating, and the other who began berating the procrastinator. And I imagine it went something like this:
"Oh there you go again, procrastinating. No wonder you never get anything done."
"Excuse me? Are you talking to me? I get things done."
"Yeah, but it only takes you forever. Just jump in and do it."
"You know, I'd appreciate a bit of understanding, if you please. I'm doing the best I can. I have my reasons for procrastinating, thank you very much."
"Oh, I didn't realize. I thought I was helping."
(silence)
"Ok, what are your reasons then?"
"Well, sometimes, I feel that some things steal away from my time to do what I love."
"Oh. So, perhaps I should just hold your hand during the more mundane chores to help you push through it?"
"Yes. And sometimes, I procrastinate because I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't be any good, or afraid that what I love to do is silly, so I give up. Then I get really sad. And when you start in with your judging, I feel even worse."
"Oh. I don't want you to be sad. I love it when you're happy. Do you want me to encourage you and whisper strength into your heart? I believe in you, you know."
"You do? Oh, that would be lovely. You know I sometimes procrastinate too because I'm tired, or not feeling good. Sometimes, I guess I should say "no" to things, but instead I take on too many "yes's" and it seems overwhelming."
"You know, I can help you to say no more often. So that you have more energy for yourself. Anything else?"
"There is one more thing ... it's silly."
"No, it's not silly. I'm listening, really."
"Oh, ok... I procrastinate because I'm afraid that if I do what I really want to do, that it's not important. I don't want to waste time painting, or writing, or, oh all of the other ideas which dance in my mind, if it won't make a difference. I mean, what if it doesn't make money? What if no one cares?"
"Does it make a difference to you, your art, your dreams?"
"Oh yes, of course."
"Then it's not a waste of time."
"Oh, thank you. I feel a little better now. Maybe I will paint a little this morning, instead of cleaning? Oh, but there's that spreadsheet... Oh, see just thinking of it makes my stomach hurt."
"Why don't you paint a little? I'll sit next to you later and we can do the spreadsheet and cleaning together. I promise."
"Ok! Oh that makes me so happy! Thank you so much for listening to me."
"I'm so glad I did."
So there you have it - from the mouths of, er, the well-meaning but strict task master and the sweet sensitive procrastinator. Perhaps they're good for each other.
Hugs, always -
T
Where my mind drifts when my procrastinator seeks inspiration! This lovely photo sent to me by the beautiful, talented, wonderful Zara! *Thank YOU!!*
Oh my darling. Still hearing voices I see. Our inner monologues should really have lunch together soon. I think they would really hit it off. Then you and I could have some alone time together. As always your words soothe and inspire. The time is now, and we are the answer...now just ask the question.
Posted by: Jason Bird | Apr 14, 2011 at 10:29 PM